10,000 Pixels Per Inch Love
July 3, 2009
Retouching you is pure torture. My Cursor Tool (precise, cross-hairs) caresses your body like my fingers have never been allowed to….
Nothing gives me more pleasure than to have my Soft Brush stroke your skin (Hex CC9966), which is so radiant when assigned the proper Adobe RGB (1998) Profile.
But we’re Posterized. The Histogram is wack. We need to adjust our Saturation and Levels. Your Curves are just fine but if we don’t choose a new Vector Path we’re doomed.
I want to use the Lasso Tool and the Magic Wand to Duplicate your Channels without any Masking. We need to Blend our Layers using the Linear Burn Mode — no more more of the Difference and Exclusion Modes!
I’m sorry Honey, but we need to get back to our high-resolution 16-bit goodness. We can flow around our Feathered Selection with a big soft-edged 999-pixel Healing Brush set to 100% Opacity, 100% Flow. Then we can use the History Brush to make things right again. Heck, we can always Revert if necessary.
But alas, right now we’re apart, distant, we need some low radius, high threshold Unsharp Masking to Equalize our relationship. We need to run Noise Reduction on our Luminance Channel, and maybe even Despeckle too.
Without you I’m living in the Blue Channel anyways…. I can’t Desaturate my longing for you, we’re at the 255 Threshold and things are no longer just Black and White — now they’re Greyscale. And I want us to be Warm Sepia Duotones.
We need to remove the JPG Artifacts and cut out the Gaussian Blur from our vision. Clear our Cache and do a “Save As”. You’re in my EXIF Metadata and you punch all my Keywords. We need to Interpolate. I care about you so much — we should just head to Vegas and do the final CMYK Conversion (US Web Coated (SWOP) v20). We can spend our honeymoon watching the Ocean Ripple Filter (and save the Twirl, Wave, and ZigZag filters for romping!)
Think of our future children — imagine our sweet little ones — .JPG, .EPS, .PNG, and .PICT (our very own special needs kiddo!) You have such a great heart! (and demand so much RAM!)
I dream about you in Full Screen Mode (no menu bar even!) with the Burn tool active and on Multiply Mode.
Love,
Frank
PS: Don’t go Exporting yourself or doing Cutting and Pasting with another File or I’ll Slice you into GIF Animations and tell people that you started out as only Indexed Color. And please, even if you do break up with me, don’t go sRGB on me. Those mixed marriages never work.
PSS: That sounded harsh and kind of crazy. I need to Repair My Permissions but for now let’s just do a Command-Z. Peaceout lovely lady, I can’t wait to Click and Zoom into your sweet 100% Pixel Depth real soon.
Reader Comments (add yours)
1. John C — Jul 5 2009 04:33 PM
:) Great stuff! This would sound so good if read by Ken Nordine late late at night...